dandelion...

I woke up very early this morning. I heard my husband leave for work and couldn't get back to sleep. I lay there for over an hour thinking. I realized it was my birthday after a few minutes, lol. When you get my age, you would rather forget your birthday than remember it, lol. I mean, who wants to be 35? What child says "oh I just cant wait to turn 35!" Maybe if you are 80 you might want to be 35, lol. Anyway, I started thinking about my life. As a child I had so many hopes and dreams. I wanted to be a famous fashion designer or an interior decorator. I didn't do either. There are many many things I never did. Little things and big things. I thought about the life I have lived. I had a hard life inside. I had wonderful parents and wonderful friends. But I suffered within myself. I lived with the terrible disease of bipolar disorder for all my life, not knowing then what was wrong with me. It is a terrible thing to have. I beat myself up a lot inside over the years. I could have been so much more without it. I would have had more courage, more self esteem, more drive. Oh well, it is what it is and I guess it is for some reason that I will probably never know. To me, it is just another January day, this day I was born. As an adult, you really don't think too much about what you want. Not like a child does. Anticipating the day for weeks, wondering what gifts they will receive. I mean, at my age, what do I really want or need? Perhaps things that can never be, like a chance to do my life over again. I looked out the window from my bed and saw snow falling. Well that figures, I though to myself. My thoughts then turned to my longing for spring. I always wished I had been born in the spring.

I don't know why but dandelions came to mind. Have you ever thought about dandelions? I mean REALLY thought about them? To most adults, they are just an annoying, ugly weed. But in the eyes of a child, they are a beautiful flower, round and bright yellow like the sun. A beautiful flower that they can pick for their mommy. I picture my precious boys coming to the door with outstretched hands and a big smile on there faces as they hand me that big bouquet of dandelions. Such a simple gift. But given with such love and heart. They would beam from ear to ear as I filled a glass with water and put the dandelions in it. They sat on my counter. Yellow like the sun, so full of love. Dandelions are strong little flowers, or weeds if you prefer. You mow them down and within days they are back again. Those bright yellow spots amongst the green grass. A reminder of spring and summer. They always come back no matter what. Whether you want them or not, they are trusty little things! You can count on dandelions to be there every year. As the earth comes alive again, so do they. I realize that I am like a dandelion. THAT is what I have accomplished in my 35 years! I have become like a dandelion. Not beautiful to look at. but I have been mowed down over and over again. Somehow, I have managed to come back again. Struggles and happiness, easy or hard, I have sprouted back. That is something to me. And if I could have anything on this boring, cold January day, it would be a big bouquet of dandelions picked by my babies little hands, sitting in a glass on my counter. And to always, always be....a dandelion.